I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Randomize
