We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
