Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
