Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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