You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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