that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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