I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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