I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
