I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
