why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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