Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
