I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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