i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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