It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
