in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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