Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
