Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
