you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
don't judge my taste in strippers
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
