You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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