My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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