I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
