I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I deserve this hangover.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
