I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
