Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
