So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Randomize
