There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
