just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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