remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
