I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
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