i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
My penis needs a shock collar
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
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