pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
