I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize