Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
