there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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