I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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