Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
