They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Randomize
