you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
We are two peas in an std pod
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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