if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
