You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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