True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
you made out with another girl for some wings
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
