dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
