I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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