If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
