i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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