i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
