You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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