Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
