marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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