i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
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