Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
