I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
