sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
