I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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