guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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