It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
