a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
