I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
