I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
