I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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